Monday, April 07, 2008

It's Rotten for Aries

Time for another dose (and I use the term advisedly because it's not easy to swallow) of "You Were Born on a Rotten Day" by Jim Critchfield and Jerry Hopkins, bravely published in 1969, surprisingly reprinted in a further four editions. As I remind myself when posting each monthly section, the book was probably one of the first ever attempts to spoof (or ridicule) astrology columns, its novelty may have accounted for its success. A good spoof works on two levels, it's superficially funny for an audience not well versed in the specific genre, and funny on a deeper level for the in-crowd who are able to pick up all the clever, and usually affectionate, references. This book doesn't really work on either level, but it is a little piece of astrological history. So - these are the authors' demented thoughts on Aries.

"If you are an Aries, you are probably lonely - and with your personality it's no surprise. Although the Aries-born do become attached to others, the others never become attached to the Aries-born. So it's best if you take up single games at an early age, like solitaire and mugging.

Aries men and women are adversely affected by the moon, often baying at it and searching for Grunion on the wrong night. And when people of other signs are making love under the harvest moon, some Aries nut will be out in the middle of the freeway trying to shuck wheat.

Aries people are also quick to grasp any opportunity and anything else that's lying around loose. Fortified with a keen memory and a cheap camera, many excel at blackmail. They also possess magnetic personalities which explains why they are often covered with small bits of tin and rusty nails.

These Ram-born people appreciate being looked up to and often saw the legs off other people's chairs. If this sign rules you, your lucky color is not as good as it used to be, your Lucky Day is Doris, your Lucky Star hasn't made a picture since 1917 and famous people born in this sign are not very famous."

"A Typical Miserable Aries Month" yielded up nothing that could bring the most wan of smiles to this disgruntled reader - the sorry spectacle ends with:

30th "If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait 'til you see what happens tomorrow!"

I take that as a warning that the Taurus section will not improve any!

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