A Bit of the Ol' "Bah Humbug!" from Ian Lang

Someone at Quora last week posted this question, possibly hoping for some nice, warm, cuddly answers about carol singers, Christmas lights, parties, kiddies, Santas and suchlike. Ian Lang had different ideas! His answer is below - shared here with his kind (blanket) consent.

"What is your favorite thing about Christmas?"

AUGHHHHH! Bloody Christmas! It’s only just gone bonfire night and we haven’t had Remembrance Sunday yet and do you know what, as I went in to get twenty John Player’s coffin nails, I saw in the bleedin’ Co-Op an hour or so ago? A huge pyramid display of chuffin’ chocolate Santas, that’s what. I tell you, I was a heartbeat away from “accidentally” tripping up and knocking the sodding lot down.

Actually I tell a lie. Three sides of the pyramid were Santa. The other side was bleedin’ Rudolph. What sort of a message are we giving to our children here? Look at this kindly, jolly old elf, kids! Now eat him! With some fava beans and a nice chianti, presumably. Then eat his deer too!

I went in Quality Save last Saturday. For reference, that was November 3rd. November. NOVEMBER. They were doling out Christmas carrier bags. Had been for a fortnight, apparently. My wife trotted in on Friday with a box of mince pies with a Christmassy picture printed on. And the caution best before Nov 15th.
Now look, retail bathtubs. Christmas is in bogpiggin’ December. Right at the arse-end of December, actually. I don’t mind if you want to whip a gullible horde of frenzied consumers into panic mode to buy your vastly inflated tat from the first of December. I take a bit of an objection to early November, and I’m positively spitting fire when you do it in October. One of you started it just after the brats went back to school after summer, and you know who you are. I will willingly sacrifice my left knacker to any God who will ensure that you will go bust by February, you bloody charlatans.

And why does my wife insist on cooking bloody sprouts for Christmas dinner? I don’t like sprouts. She doesn’t like sprouts. The kid won’t even countenance sprouts. Yet still, on Dec 25th, an Imperial Shedload of sprouts causes the table to creak and groan alarmingly and she gets upset if we don’t eat any.

“You’ve got to have sprouts because it’s Christmas”.

What in the name of the Sacred Mango Pigeon kind of reasoning is that?? Johnny Pope and his gang of merry batchelor-boys say we’ve got to have fish on Friday but I don’t see us polishing off a plaice, tackling a trout or sucking down a salmon on a weekly basis. Is it some sort of superstition hanging over from the middle ages?
“Arrr, Jezelda, it be only ten days to the Christ-Mass. Better start boiling a boat load of sprouts for ye village feast, lest God should smite us, or at least the bishop come down and bugger all the menfolk red-raw!”

Sprouts. Turkey. Crackers. Stupid paper hats. Being nice to people for days. Balls to all that. Still, Christmas is miles better than bloody New Year.

“Happy New Year!”

“No I won’t! £&!* off.”

Bathtubs. So what’s my favorite thing about Christmas?

January.

https://www.quora.com/What-is-your-favorite-thing-about-Christmas