Wine of Life

Writing for wine bottle labels and wine connoisseur magazines has to be a fun job. It must first entail tasting the contents, then dreaming up seductive ways of describing the taste. Nowadays attempts to seduce buyers seems to have hit new heights (or depths). I'm not a wine drinker myself, Scotch is my one and only tipple, wine gives me stomach ache. Husband is a red wine enthusiast. The small collection of labels on bottles in our wine rack usually offers up a few chuckles. In articles over the years I've seen a California cabernet, described by asking the reader to "imagine Naomi Campbell in latex"; an Australian shiraz was described as a "Chippendales dancer in leather chaps—tight, full-bodied and ready for action"; a New Zealand cabernet merlot like "a Victoria's Secret fire sale: smoky charred wood, leather, spicy and very seductive."

James Thurber's classic cartoon :

“Men are like wine-some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.”
― Pope John XXIII

People are like wines - all very different, and their " flavour" is somewhat dependent on year and location of production. Perhaps astrologers might, as an experiment, adopt the style of some more colourful wine writers.

How would my husband fare if described by an astrologer-cum-wine connoisseur? Let's see: born in Kansas, early Aries, Leo rising, Leo Moon. Mercury /Saturn in Pisces. Venus in Taurus.

From the lush wheat striped, cloud shadow dappled plains of northern USA comes this sunny, enthusiastic little number. There are hints of grandeur here, a glance which tells of royal pretense, yet beneath it all a lingering, arty, softness and sweetness. Think Laurence Olivier in pink tights, carrying a camera.

I ought to attempt my own wine-flavoured interpretation. Born in a port on the North East coast of England, Aquarius Sun, Aries Moon, Cancer rising. Mercury in Capricorn, Venus Sagittarius

The grey, storm-tossed North Sea coast of England has brought forth this somewhat obtuse and mentally energetic product. Travels well, but reacts instantly when upset. A hard working, capable little number when enthused. Think bright purple Mini-Cooper with wire wheels and political bumper stickers.

Wouldn't it be fun if we all came out of the womb with an inscription such as this on our backsides, like a bottle of wine?

Back in 2008, when I originally posted along these lines, blog-friend R.J. Adams added his personal wine-label description, I loved it, so will add it here:

Vintage '46 RJ Adams: Old fart from prunes picked on the east side of a Liverpool vineyard. A somewhat bitter taste. Lacking clarity and with just a hint of 'behind the gasworks' on the nose. Can be drunk with large bowls of scouse, but probably best used to disinfect the toilet bowl.