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Writing for wine bottle labels and wine connoisseur magazines has to be a fun job. It must first entail tasting the contents, then dreaming up seductive ways of describing the taste. Nowadays attempts to seduce buyers seems to have hit new heights (or depths). I'm not a wine drinker myself, Scotch is my one and only tipple, wine gives me stomach ache. HWK is the red wine enthusiast, Chez Twilight. The small collection in our wine rack usually offers up a few chuckles, as did an article by Natalie MacLean:
"Wine X magazine (or rather 'zine) aims to "provide a new voice for a new generation of wine consumers." Describing one California cabernet, it asks us to "imagine Naomi Campbell in latex." An Australian shiraz is a "Chippendales dancer in leather chaps—tight, full-bodied and ready for action." A New Zealand cabernet merlot is like "a Victoria's Secret fire sale: smoky charred wood, leather, spicy and very seductive."
James Thurber's classic cartoon is precious:
What has all this got to do with astrology, a passing reader may ask. What indeed.
People are like wines - all very different, and their " flavour" is somewhat dependent on year and location of production. Perhaps astrologers might, as an experiment, adopt the style of some of the more colourful wine writers.
I'll experiment with HWK (my husband). Born in Kansas, early Aries, Leo rising, Leo Moon. Mercury /Saturn in Pisces. Venus in Taurus.
From the lush wheat striped, cloud shadow dappled plains of northern USA comes this sunny, enthusiastic little number. There are hints of grandeur here, a glance which tells of royal pretense, yet beneath it all a lingering, arty, softness and sweetness. Think Laurence Olivier in pink tights, carrying a camera.
And I'd better attempt my own. Born in a port on the North East coast of England, Aquarius Sun, Aries Moon, Cancer rising. Mercury in Capricorn, Venus Sagittarius
The grey, storm-tossed North Sea coast of England has brought forth this somewhat obtuse and mentally energetic product. Travels well, but reacts instantly when upset. A hard working, capable little number when enthused. Think bright purple Mini-Cooper with wire wheels and political bumper stickers.
What if we were all born with an inscription such as this on our backsides, like a bottle of wine?
"Wine X magazine (or rather 'zine) aims to "provide a new voice for a new generation of wine consumers." Describing one California cabernet, it asks us to "imagine Naomi Campbell in latex." An Australian shiraz is a "Chippendales dancer in leather chaps—tight, full-bodied and ready for action." A New Zealand cabernet merlot is like "a Victoria's Secret fire sale: smoky charred wood, leather, spicy and very seductive."
James Thurber's classic cartoon is precious:
What has all this got to do with astrology, a passing reader may ask. What indeed.
People are like wines - all very different, and their " flavour" is somewhat dependent on year and location of production. Perhaps astrologers might, as an experiment, adopt the style of some of the more colourful wine writers.
I'll experiment with HWK (my husband). Born in Kansas, early Aries, Leo rising, Leo Moon. Mercury /Saturn in Pisces. Venus in Taurus.
From the lush wheat striped, cloud shadow dappled plains of northern USA comes this sunny, enthusiastic little number. There are hints of grandeur here, a glance which tells of royal pretense, yet beneath it all a lingering, arty, softness and sweetness. Think Laurence Olivier in pink tights, carrying a camera.
And I'd better attempt my own. Born in a port on the North East coast of England, Aquarius Sun, Aries Moon, Cancer rising. Mercury in Capricorn, Venus Sagittarius
The grey, storm-tossed North Sea coast of England has brought forth this somewhat obtuse and mentally energetic product. Travels well, but reacts instantly when upset. A hard working, capable little number when enthused. Think bright purple Mini-Cooper with wire wheels and political bumper stickers.
What if we were all born with an inscription such as this on our backsides, like a bottle of wine?
Vintage '46 RJ Adams: Old fart from prunes picked on the east side of a Liverpool vineyard. A somewhat bitter taste. Lacking clarity and with just a hint of 'behind the gasworks' on the nose. Can be drunk with large bowls of scouse, but probably best used to disinfect the toilet bowl.
ReplyDelete(Laurence Olivier in pink tights! Has he instigated divorce proceedings yet?)
thanks for quoting my piece... join my free newsletter for more purple prose :)
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Natalie
www.nataliemaclean.com
RJ - LOL! I suspected you'd be good at this!
ReplyDeleteMmmmm, Scouse! Love it!
I think you'd go well with some fresh parmesan and home baked bread.
PS - No all's well - he says they are flesh coloured, so that's alright then. ;-)
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Hello Natalie!
Yes, will do.
I like the idea. :-)
ReplyDeletemmm... what would I write up for myself? On good days I could pass for a sparkling wine, but on a day like today (I have flu)I fear I'm somewhere between flat "fizzy grape" and something you'd use to strip paint.
:-P